teach me to howl

You are the anti-counselor
eating won ton soup with chopsticks
and casting licentious glances,
painted in a redwood faux finish;
Your bell curve standardly deviates
though your data lies in a penumbra.
Your coat of arms is millifleur;
dandelion wine and apricot sauce
you bacchanalian fool, you.
You are neither basilisk nor mermaid,
you are a monochrome chameleon
and you would teach me to Howl?